Codependent personality, that’s what I was diagnosed as possessing in my therapy session after my divorce.  It didn’t take many sessions before the stack of papers describing the traits of what a codependent personality was were handed to me to overlook, study and try to see where I could change certain aspects of myself.

I literally checked off each and every box on that checklist in front of me.  Anxiety, check. Low self esteem, check.  Unable to make personal decisions, check.  High insecurities, check.  The list went on, and I checked off each and every description.  Yes, each.and.every.one.  Codependent; check, check, check.

Upon hearing the news, I sat there, directly across from my therapist, bawling.  To me, being labeled codependent was equivalent to admitting to myself that I saw myself as insufficient.  How did I, a young, vibrant, happy-go-lucky cheerleader as a child transition into this highly anxious, doubtful, insecure woman that believed my existence was only valid if I had a partner?

My mother only exhibited strength.  In fact, she is the epitome of a strong woman.  With that being the situation, I can’t even state that I shadowed what I saw in my childhood environment.  I went from living under my parents’ roof to getting married.  Yes, I went from having my father take care of me to a husband taking on the responsibility to nurture, provide, protect and love me.  Could that be the culprit of how I became codependent; the lack of having to fend for myself because of easily having a male I could run to?  Honestly, I’m unsure, but it is probable.  Whatever the situation (whether self inflicted or what I had experienced), it led me to this place where I had to acknowledge that adjustments needed to be made.  Major adjustments, at that.

I no longer wanted to have moments where I was so distraught with loneliness that I would cry uncontrollably on the floor during and after a shower.  I no longer wanted to play Russian roulette with my life while jogging, intentionally not looking before crossing into lanes of travel in hopes I would get struck by a vehicle.  Point blank: I no longer wanted to feel less than because I didn’t have a partner.  In fact, I wanted to be self reliant, self sufficient and motivated.  But how do you accomplish such a task when you’ve never been in this role?  How do you build upon yourself when all you’ve known is to build with someone else?

Lots of self reflection and correction on repeat.  You have to believe that you are not powerless simply because you are partnerless, that reliance on self is stunning, that independence is not a flaw, but it is a strength, and having personal opinions, goals and desires is becoming, not off putting.

Codependency stripped these beliefs away from me.  I had lost my voice, my worth, and my individuality, but by reading lots of books, writing in journals, releasing deep emotions in a powerful, yet healthy way, has brought impactful insight and meaningful healing.  This takes time, but aren’t you worth it?

Your personal worth will blind you if you just put in the same energy and time in yourself that you would to please another individual.  You will stand tall, realizing you alone have way too much to offer yourself, and that you owe it to yourself to always be authentically you.  Yes, I used to mistakenly believe that morphing yourself to fit another person’s checklist was beautiful, but the reality is that doing such only takes away from whom you are at heart.

Today, I know the way I love, and I love with trueness to self and wholeheartedly.  Through soul searching, I’ve learned that being an individual while being in a partnership does not equate you to loving the other person any less.  Rather, you’re loving yourself equally.  You’re refusing to lose a sense of you.  This is healthy love and, well, that’s the best kind of love there is, and the only kind of love I aim to forever pursue.

Codependency, what you have stolen from me, I have regained.  I will forever remember that what I am is valuable regardless of my relationship status.  That dependency on myself is essential for growth, maturity and for a healthy relationship personally and eventually one I will cultivate with someone else.  No longer will I check off another trait off of your checklist.  For you are my past, and you will not follow me into my future.  Farewell codependency.  Farewell.