“We’ll communicate by sending notes to each other in our daughter’s backpack,” were the first words uttered to me when I separated from my then husband.  I was bewildered.  How did we go from speaking every day, endless texting and phone calls, to now stuffing a message as our form of communication in our kindergartner’s polka dot backpack?  I refused my ex’s suggestion.  I firmly believed my daughter’s role was to be a child, that’s it, not be the guardian of messages.

Just like there isn’t an error-free manual on how to raise children, there certainly isn’t one on how to co-parent, but I did know this from the get go; I desired to be cordial and hopefully friends with my daughter’s father.  I’ll never forget how opening up my intentions of being friends with my ex was taken as such a ridiculous statement by my family.  Yet, my perspective from Day 1 was this: My daughter was not the cause of our breakup, so why should she be more affected due to our separation?

Not coming from a quote, unquote broken family (a phrase I’m not personally fond of), I knew I could not relate to the hurt my girl was experiencing.  One day she had her father beside her daily.  Per his request, now she had her father two to three times a week.  I had to swallow my pride and personal pain to move forward and attempt to be friends with the man that turned his back on me.  I owed this not to anyone else but my daughter.  I owed her the opportunity of having less pain by seeing her parents get along. But, boy, did I not realize how daunting of a task it would be to be friends with the man that betrayed me.

I will admit that my desire to move ahead, put things on the back burner, expedited the healing process non-organically.  I numbed my feelings to strive to give my child the peace that she deserved.  Never has my daughter had to see her parents not sit beside each other at an event of hers.  Never has my daughter had to miss an opportunity with vacationing with either parent because it meant missing a scheduled day with her mother or father.  Never has my daughter attended an appointment for herself where both her parents could not be in the same room and make a decision on her behalf.

It’s these compromises, these standards that I vowed I would adhere to for the benefit of my child, that I am proud of.  Did I slap the hand of my wrongdoer amid all that he caused?  Yes.  Have I been falsely accused of still being in love with my ex because of my perspective?  Yes.  Despite such, I would take the same stand I took eight years ago regarding co-parenting because unlike my daughter, I have never had to pack a bag and split my time between my parents, so if I could slightly ease up the burden my daughter carries by befriending her father, then so be it.

It doesn’t go without saying that through the years there have been many times I have lost my verbal temper, was bent out of shape mentally, and cried like there was no tomorrow because it seemed like I was verbalizing my requests to an unaffected, unconcerned human being, but then I’ve caught myself.  Who is getting more harmed by these actions?  First and foremost, the most innocent party through it all, my child.  Then, myself.  My philosophy here is: He stole a lot from us already, so why allow him to steal my health and joy.  Why allow him to steal our girl’s peace at her home; my home.

Addressing the needs of our daughter is essential, and doing so with compromise is almost inevitable.  Yes, I do feel I do more of the compromising and, yes, it frustrates me, but then I hear the words that my teenager voluntarily states, “Thank you, Mommy.  I know you’re doing this for me.” “I know it’s you that I will always be able to rely on and trust.” These sentiments, these non-coerced sentiments, makes all my sacrifices worthwhile.  I so love my daughter that I will bend at every angle to ease her life, and her heartfelt sentiments solidifies that I made the right decision for her.

If there is anything that I have learned, it is this: You set the example in every aspect for your child or children.  They’re grasping all that’s taking place, mentally notating who is doing what.  Make your child proud by being that “better person,” meaning take your stand, but do so with dignity and class.  It takes a lot more effort to berate, antagonize, and stay stubborn than to articulate your feelings in a reasonable and respectful way.  There’s a proud moment behind the latter action that nobody can steal.

Co-parenting is not about keeping score.  It’s about making decisions for the betterment of your child and doing so with respect, mutuality, and maturity.  It’s about letting go of the built-up anger and pursuing a life of peacefulness for yourself and your children for today and tomorrow.  Let the past be the past.  If your ex stole your initial normalcy, don’t allow him or her to steal your new norm.  Co-parenting is a struggle.  It’s a beast all on it’s own.  Why feed that beast by intentionally complicating co-parenting?

Friendship with your ex, the father or mother of your child or children, is possible.  Was I on that path?  I truly believe so.  The friendship I had hoped for was getting established, but that friendship derailed due to my ex’s remarriage.  While what I had originally hoped for, for the sake of our daughter, hasn’t come about, I’ll take the second best option; living our own lives, without interference from the other, but coming together to make decisions for our firstborn.

As I look at my teenager, I do see a child well adjusted; a thriving girl that has confidence and peace.  She is fully aware and shown that she has two parents and their families that love her, that is supported, and only when there is a moment of hypocrisy or unfairness is when I will speak up on her behalf.

Relationships fail, but I’m here to state that co-parenting doesn’t have to follow suit.  You truly have more control in this aspect than you believe.  Don’t harp on issues.  Rather, compromise to harmonize and see your child’s burdens get lifted.  It’s the best visual you see unfold, and it’s the best gift you can give as a parent.  Remember, your child’s normalcy might have been compromised, but with successful co-parenting, his or her happiness doesn’t have to be.