I saw the nuptials, the blending of families and the extension of our own. I saw the mornings where we prepped each other’s coffee, and the evenings where we held each other tightly. I saw the beginning and the ending of our days with clarity. I saw not just me, not only you, but an us.

Love, passion and intensity were present, but regrettably so were a multitude of fears, coupled with negative thoughts, lack of trust and anger. Our history included 19 years where we saw each other’s successes and failures; where we showcased our true selves unmasked. These years should have bound us, but instead might have singed us because as the disagreements were had, we knew how to fire the bullets, and thereafter, our recovery time became lengthier and lengthier.

I tried. I genuinely tried and became tired of trying to shut off your unwarranted fears and negative thoughts, as nothing I did could lessen them despite our history. And while your insecurities, through my actions, should have been fully removed, or at the very least should have lessened tremendously, I was even unable to overturn those. I realize now that your demons from your past were not mine to silence, but I was truly willing to walk alongside you to make them become voiceless; as it was to be us against the world.

I have loved you as I have loved no one. I have sacrificed for you the most, more than many would ever know, and I honestly wanted my transformation to appease you faster than my reality allowed. My growth was intimidating, as you admitted, and my new-found independence was threatening, as was my ability to finally take a stand for me. I was willing to increase my dependence, but not fully become dependent, as I was willing to bite my tongue, but not become fully speechless, and that all should have been okay. For while with you, I should still be me.

Timing has always been our issue, as has patience, and it seems where we are today is a repeat of where we were. This time, though, as we were so much closer to our dreams, the pain is deeper, the cries are longer, and the heartache is heavier. We were right there seeing the finish line (or our true start line) right before us, but the vile, not validated accusations you casted my way, I could not continue to ignore, and therefore I had to part. No one faithful should ever be accused of unfaithfulness. No one committed should ever be accused of being the contrary. No one’s minimal past should ever be blown up to make them feel flawed. How.dare.you.

You offered me and could provide me the world, I saw snippets of such, but all I wholeheartedly wanted was to be believed that I see and love only you. If only you had full trust in me, I would have given you the world in return with loyalty and true love as a guarantee. I have asked myself on repeat (because I never wanted this to end): Could I have been a little more patient? Could I have let that snide comment be swept under the rug? Could I have allowed my independence to fall a bit more swiftly? Could I have been stronger amid your personal transitions? But as I ask myself these questions I reply with, But how much longer would I have needed to do the above? We were not strangers. We had a history. So why was I feeling I had to prove myself as if we were and as if we hadn’t?

Like you, I am just a person that wants to be loved, protected and held onto forever, and now I am trying to process why this happened to you and to me amid our connection, amid how when happy, we were untouchable. I know you truly love me, as I so truly love you, but I also know this to be true: Love is not contradictory. Love is not accusatory. Love is not threatening. Love is not controlling. Love is consistent. Love is complimentary. Love is calming. Love is compromising.

To have lost and to lose again has me trying to peel myself off of the floor, as I wished for an entirely different outcome. The true love was there, everyone commented on it, but unresolved damage was present, too. The healing has to begin, although the beautiful memories I assure you are here to stay. For those, those are forever engrained. It’s the unhealthy memories that I now have to mindfully erase.

Here is reflection, mending and further introspection. For I have been weakened, but I cannot be wrecked. I have been made to feel paralyzed, but I cannot feel powerless. Just as before, I will eventually find my balance, and I will stand back up. In fact, I will stand up tall; yes, tall and pretty. I will remind myself along the way that I am solid and true, and the falsities voiced by you that bruised me most definitely do not define me. For I finally know who I am and what I bring. This, yes, this, if nothing else, is what 2020 has thankfully taught me.

I know myself, love myself, and I cannot, shall not and will not think less of who I am. I have risen up from low self esteem, and that was the ultimate change you saw in me. I no longer give others power over who I want to be. I hold that key…finally.