I am guilty. I am guilty of only portraying the light, beautiful moments I had faced the past couple of months on my social media platforms versus the raw me and the ‘where am I going’ state of mind I was struggling with on the daily. For easily five months, from springtime to the fall, multiple dilemmas were thrown my way. Within these months I barely slept, cried uncontrollably, turned to food for comfort and was a walking ball of stress. Yet, being a master of concealment, I hid my dark times, my woes, in fact, and I’m still unsure if that acknowledgement of concealment is something I ought to be proud of or ashamed for.

Living a life of privacy is one I was taught to embrace as a young teen. I will not ridicule my upbringing, as I get what happens behind closed doors shouldn’t always be exposed (unless there’s harm mentally, emotionally, or physically), but doesn’t that mindset of ultimate personal protection prohibit the essence and beauty transparency provides-an honest, ‘this is me and where I am at in my life’? Doesn’t it take more energy to put on a facade than just engage in vulnerability?

Vulnerability is not a weakness, I’m fully aware of such, but the slight pride I still possess stops me from ever being too vulnerable to be perceived as ‘weak’. As I’ve said before, the ship of ‘woe is me’ has sailed many, many years ago, but falling into the norm of highlighting only the good parts of me has made me take a step back and bluntly ask myself out loud, ‘What am I doing?’

My life has been messy this last year, and that IS okay. Messy happens to all of us, none of us are shielded, so why have I associated life’s misfortunes as moments of personal shame? There are so many variables not within our control. Leaps are taken, and they either propel you forward or you fall and take a few steps back. Sometimes stands have to be taken, and either those relationships strengthen or shatter from the new-found voice you have acquired. Medical issues, for the most part, are out of our control. And, of course, loneliness can bring its extra layer of dimness. All of the above happened to me within a matter of days and weeks, and so my internal state was frantic, but what I exposed to 99% of the world was falsity. You saw me smile. You saw me laughing. You saw me unaffected. I became what the majority on social media become, and that is simply a poser.

I’ve asked myself ‘Why do we keep doing this-highlighting only the perfect moments and concealing the imperfect ones?’ Here’s my conclusion: Vulnerability and rawness allows opinions and judgements to swirl, for the whispers to begin. And isn’t that sad? Isn’t it sickening to think we shy away from being real, authentic, or transparent all for the sake of maintaining an image; a false image at that? ‘Picture perfect’ is what we all strive to achieve but at such an exhausting expense-truthfulness.

I didn’t know how things would end up for myself or for my household. Being a wreck night and day, day and night, took such a toll on me. If only I had the strength to be honest to say, ‘I am looking for employment,’ or ‘carrying the weight of my ex’s actions are killing me on the inside and doing even more damage to my daughter’- this honesty could have given me answers and relief sooner. Asking for help, THAT is a display of strength. I applaud all of those that show their good and trying moments, where they eliminate the fake smiles and remove the rose-colored glasses.

Feeling ashamed when life just hits you or pounds you to the ground should never be an option. In fact, think of this: If we all were a bit more ‘real’ with our social media then maybe we would be an aide in preventing someone else to go down the rabbit hole with their thoughts. If we collectively showed ‘all of us,’ the good and the bad, we wouldn’t be contributing to the false glamour and happiness that runs rampant through our social media feeds which fuels those depressed or even those just out-right struggling with continual feelings of inadequacy or ‘sheer bad luck’. So, please, stop.the.pretending. Stop the hiding and start unveiling. We are creating such an unrealistic image for others to aspire to. If we stop disguising the dysfunction, we can create a better, healthier, realistic mindset for ourselves and for those that have a hard time seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. Let’s be examples of transparency versus phoniness.

Remember, messiness shapes us. It does not define us. Just like we can appreciate the bloom of a flower, and we can see the beauty and delicacy even in the withered or broken petals, we need to do the same for our life in its entirety; collectively appreciate where we have been, who we are, and where we are now and view it all as beautiful; the bountiful and broken moments. So here I am to say that my life is messy. It has been and continues to have moments of being just that, and I love the fact that I am alive to sort through the mess. I refuse to be ashamed of what I have gone through and what I am still going through because I know my way is being paved, and I accept, with open arms, where I am being led (even if the whispers begin to swirl) …