With each recent exhale I find myself seeking to release more than just air; I’m striving to release that of my current disappointment that my heart has sustained, in addition to the nonsense that my mind is trying to make sense of.

Contradiction and deception, these are traits I’m trying to wrap my head around. The comprehension isn’t regarding, Wow, how do people continue to do this? My puzzlement is regarding me. I’ve been there, done that, and yet I continue finding myself being there and doing that-accepting the contradictions and believing the deceit.

You spoke about an ‘us’ and a ‘we’ more times than not. I specifically harped on those words when spoken because I haven’t been the recipient of such wording for a while. Verbalizing those pronouns allowed me to hold on. They allowed me to envision a future; one that entailed a blending of families, travels and remarkable memories, but then the contradictions began, and the backpedaling sped up.

The irony of it all is you found me. You sought me out. I wasn’t looking for you. In fact, I had finally come to the conclusion that it could always just be me-Me, myself and I, as they say, but I was healed. I was healed from the trauma my previous relationships had given me. I was healed from struggling with low self-esteem. I was healed from the illusion that happiness is only paired with having a partner, and hence that is why when you voluntarily used verbiage that spoke of a future, I allowed my vulnerability to fully resurface and my guardedness to completely dissolve. Your words were your tactics.

My gut knew you were not my person, but my heart wanted you to be, and the love I acquired for you was one of purity. You saw it in my eyes. You felt it with my touch, and I was able to see snippets of your openness, softness, and thoughtfulness. We had some peaceful, organic moments. You allowed your emotions to be cradled by me, and this is how I fell for you. But we crumbled because of your perversions. Your fantasies allowed me to get unraveled from your web, and for this I thank you. Not another second, minute, hour, day nor month was my energy further intertwined with yours, but I could have done without your cunning ways. My self-esteem didn’t have to be your target.

You played a character for many, many months, but the role became too grand for you to maintain the act. You could not match your words with your actions. You could not continue to suppress your patterns, and because of this the ‘real’ you was becoming frustrated, weary and irritable. You felt absolutely suffocated, not because of my nurturing state, but because you were living a lie.

You don’t want commitment. You don’t want any strings attached, so why was it so difficult to be upfront, honest and clear with what your intentions were? The direct answer is: Because that would take maturity and unselfishness. You’re not a one-woman man because you continuously want your ego stroked. You want to secretly banter with and entertain as many women as you can. You are scheming and calculated, traits I suspected, but I foolishly disregarded.

So now with this new-found freedom here’s something you can do; Gain some morals. Simmer down your addictions. Resolve your anger. Address your demons. Learn to be the example on how to treat women with respect, dignity, and loyalty. Acquire emotional maturity. Stop playing the role of a victim when you’re the one victimizing.

As for myself, I need to sharpen my discernment and selectivity. I need to stop compromising my peace. I need to discontinue wanting to heal, love and show immediate generosity to those undeserving. In fact, let me just be frank. I need to stop settling. Disappointed, yet not destroyed, is the state I’m currently in. The wind got knocked out of me, yes, but I haven’t fully fallen…nor will I.